Totally Expected To Post Last Week

... and then reality hit and I realized the deliciousness of a grandma taking care of baby so that I could blog SLEEP.

But anyway, vacay visit was awesome.  It felt so good to see my mother-in-law bonding with my daughter.  I was a little afraid at first that she'd need some time to open up to her grandma after a four-month absence, but she took to her immediately... much to everyone's joy.  And my little explorer took her first step, to boot!!!

But the best part was that we celebrated her first birthday (two weeks early) with a family barbecue!  Here's a pic of the 'Thank you' card I made for everyone.  Birthday Girl is in the front, in the arms of her great-grandmother (and yes, she is wearing a Tinkerbell costume-- which JUST happens to be the theme of her nursery).  Solo pics of the birthday girl soon to follow!

The Mother In Law

I was actually (days) pregnant in this pic-- little did I know!  heeheehee.

Flying out to my husband's family tomorrow.  We'll be with them for a week.  I really don't like calling my husband's relatives "in-laws", seeing as the term in our society has come to connote a less than affectionate relationship so much of the time.  My relationship with the hub's parents, particularly with his mom, has always been more wonderful and amazing than I could ever describe.

Once in a while, I get the question, "So, do you get along with your husband's mom?"

And I always start out with a little chuckle.  Hmmmm... how to explain... My mother-in-law has been an angel in my life since I started dating her son more than ten years ago.  She has profoundly impacted my life in such a way that I could never describe.  Whenever I have a problem or concern, she is always there to provide wisdom.  She's wonderfully compassionate, wickedly smart and has that Midwestern, no frills, immovable practicality that never ceases to amaze this dramatic, chaos-ridden  Brooklyn girl.

I firmly believe that mother-in-laws have a tremendous power and influence over their children's marriages-- whether they are directly involved in day-to-day activities or not.  My mother-in-law has always been a force that helps bring my husband and I closer.  She has taught me-- and continues to teach this product of a single parent how to be a wife-- cause honey, those things are MADE, not born!   

Holy Crap! Where Have I Been...

...that I would miss the utter fabulousness of ABC's WIPEOUT?  I'd never heard of it before.  I don't even know when it airs.  But I watched the couples episode on abc.com and laughed my ass off.

Which brings me to something I've asked myself before:

Why is it that nothing tickles my funny bone more than somebody busting their ass?

PSYCH 101 answer:
It's a reflection of my hatred/discomfort for my own vulnerability as well as a sigh of relief  (Thank GOD  there's someone who can make a complete and utter ass of themselves besides me.)

I'm really hard on myself.  I have a perfection complex.  Yet I'm far from it.  I piss people off with my lateness (and get infuriated by other people's lateness because, let's face it, if you're later than me, you have truly crossed the limits of acceptability).  I fart a lot.  I'm so forgetful and disorganized that every year I make sure I have a colleague who is my designated handler.  They tell me which meetings/workshops to show up for, upcoming holidays (so that I don't show up!) and other pertinent information that any teacher on staff can access via e-mail, but that just seems to escape my notice.   I am so out to lunch when it comes to details that, once, after a lovely night at a jazz club, I put my key in a car, got behind the wheel, locked the doors and was about to start the ignition before I realized that it was not my vehicle.

Yeah, I'm one of those...

Still and all, I have this need to be perfect-- at least in the things I think I have half a chance at not screwing up.  (We'll discuss those later).  I'm exceptionally hard on myself-- especially when I feel I have let others down.  And basically, yeah...  the whole point is I enjoy watching people humiliate themselves.

What I learned about myself using Facebook

1.  I'm still a grammar snob-- even if my own grammar has gotten worse.  (Shut up.  Don't judge me.) I've befriended a lot of younger people lately and I'm ready to de-friend them because I can't take the fucking HORRIBLE writing anymore.  Since when is a period optional????????

2.  I have resolved myself to the fact that my husband and I will never one of those sickeningly cute or romantic couples.  He never has any gushingly romantic announcements about me and our incredible, enviable, undying love in his statuses.  He calls me "The Wife"  (Yeah, try not to gag on the overwhelming sentimentality of it all).  He never puts me in any of his profile pictures.  I hate him.  

3.  I like using three names  (first, maiden and married).  It's classy and it makes me feel OFFICIAL.

4.  I do alright with what I have, but I'll never be the popular girl with a zillion friends-- some thing never change, I suppose.  I feel a little sad about that.  I think I might reinvent myself.  Nah, I'm good.  Relationships take energy...  

There is ABSOLUTELY NO REASON for you to watch this

But if you're here, you've obviously got twenty-two seconds (That's right, 22 seconds!) to kill.   

And just in case you don't, the text is below.

  

(And yes, this is how I really sound.)

"Hey Ya'll! It's Aspiring Napper.  As this blog evolves to whatever's it's going to be, I'm going to experiment, um, and I'm experimenting with this vlog right now!  Yaay!  Whassup!  Holla!  Um, so stay tuned..."

Murphy's Law... According To The Kid

1.  The baby will ALWAYS wake up just as I'm thinking about drifting off to sleep.

2.  Give her a teething biscuit?  No thanks.  A banana slice?  Not having it.  A remote control?  BINGO!  Straight to the mouth.

3.  In the ten minutes in which I take off her diaper (to let her air out and avoid diaper rash) she WILL ALWAYS pee.

   

4.  When feeding her, she will ALWAYS rub her eyes and get food on her eyelids and hair.  And then get pissed at me.  WTF, Baby?

5.   Be so beautiful that I always wonder, "Are other mothers as in love with their babies as I am?  They can't be, otherwise the world would be a place of uninterrupted beauty and peace, with each of us doing it for our children."

So Lebron James Picked Miami

and I don't give a shit.  I hate sports.  I don't want to alienate anybody reading this who might enjoy watching a game or two, but I just don't get it.  I mean, how can you get so invested in a game that you're not actually playing yourself?  And somebody tell me WHYYYY do these athletes make more money than God?  I mean, seriously.


My husband, who is a geek CUBED (albeit sexy, might I add-- just in case you're reading this, Snookums, hehe.. ahem...)  I mean we're talking a Star Wars, Star Trek, Star Something ( I get them confused sometimes) lovin', comics-readin', Lord of the Rings made-me-watch-the-whole-extended-version-trilogy doin'... (Do I need to go on here, folks?) is even upset about it.  Okay, so what?  He's from Cleveland.  But he's upset, calling Lebron a traitor.   First of all, don't folks have the right to choose where they're working bouncing a fucking ball?  And second of all, he actually cares.  Really?

I mean, really?

How Motherhood Has Changed Me... Part I

1.  I'm nicer to small children.

Even though I'm a teacher, I've never been a kid person.  Don't ask me how that works out.  In my defense, I teach teenagers (which is a totally different ball of wax).  But, anyway, now whenever I see small children, I see my own daughter and I honor them the way I would like someone to honor my own daughter.  Big smiles, excited greetings, the whole nine.

2.  I'm waaay more sympathetic to women shopping with kids.

I used to avoid shopping mommies.  I was quick to pick another aisle ('Oh, I'll just get those Cocoa Pebbles later.')  I privately pitied these women, mourning for the glamour, personal identity and sex appeal that they'd so stupidly, so recklessly threw away.  NOW, as I'm pushing my kid's car seat atop a decidedly-less glamorous shopping cart, I'm filled with nothing but awe and admiration for them.

3.  I CAN'T SLEEP!!!!!

Yeah, I know I should sleep when the baby sleeps.  But my baby's naps are such delicious moments of AHHHHH! followed by, "I miss my little angel.  She's such a wittle wittle angel..." and then, "What the hell am I thinking?  I can finally fucking Facebook in peace."  The prospect of freedom fills me with a burst of renewed energy.  I just never get around to the sleeping part.  And this is bad, really bad for a gal for whom, once upon  a time, sleep was crack.

So, I put orange juice..

in my cereal instead of soy milk this morning.  And didn't notice until AFTER I'd had a spoonful.  Delicious. Not.

See, this is why I co-slept with my baby for the first eight months.  I recommend co-sleeping for all lazy, sleepy mommies who don't want to be bothered getting up in the middle of the night.  When my baby woke up in the middle of the night, I simply popped a nipple in her mouth and she sucked herself to contentment while I snored my ass off.

It was bliss.

Not only that, it was deeply, mutually comforting for both of us.  It was like both of us being back in the womb.  An amazingly simple, effective and pleasant way to nurture our bond and ourselves.  My daughter slept for hours on end and rarely awoke crying.  A simple murmur was enough to stir me and to get her needs satisfied.  Everyone who met her was so impressed by her calm, secure demeanor.  The greatest compliment I ever got from someone was, "You can tell she is well-loved."

That meant more to me than anything.

Of course, there are pros and cons to co-sleeping.  Not every mother is going to feel comfortable with it, for one.  But for me, it was absolutely one of the best mothering decisions I've ever made (so far!  lol).  I'm so glad I didn't listen to the folks who warned me it was going to be hell getting her to sleep alone.  Because guess what?  It wasn't.

Yaaayness!

'Women Reinvented' by LaChance Publishing is now available in bookstores and online.  The women portrayed are courageous, creatively intelligent and absolutely fabulous-- with stories of transformation and self-renewal that make you go, "Now, why didn't I think of that?"

I'm so excited to be included in this volume and what's also thrilling is that my baby and I are featured on the cover.  Awesomeness!!!

You sure this is the right blind voodoo lady who lives in the boat in the tree in the bayou?

Okay, so I've watched Disney's "The Princess And The Frog" too many times.  But remember when they went to the old crazy lady's Mama Odie's house and she looked like she didn't know what she was doing and they doubted themselves and where they were?

Yeah, I kinda feel that way now.  Doubting myself.  Doubting where I am in life.  Why?  Because I'm fucking broke  a lot poorer than I expected to be at this stage of my life.  I hate to rate and judge my life by the status of my pockets, but...

Sigh.

This Just About Sums Up

...how I feel about not being able to get any sleep since, um, I don't know, let's see..  since I conceived nearly two years ago!!!!!
Damn you.  Damn you, Sleep, for taunting me and ruining my life!  Oh, will I ever experience pre-pregnancy sleep again?

I Got Felt Up This Morning...

... by my ten month old. And I loved it.

I LOVE the intimacy, interdependence and selflessness of breastfeeding.  And yes, my breasts are an erogenous zone.  (Well, they used to be, anyway).  But I'm not sure if that's why I love breastfeeding so much.  I mean, if I were twisted enough to fantasize about getting off while feeding my kid, two bouts of mastitis should've set me straight by now.  Not to mention that, for the first two months, it was about as pleasant as shoving my nipple into a meat grinder.

Yum...

Anyway, I could go on and on about the benefits of breastfeeding and how awesome it feels knowing that I'm doing the best thing possible for my daughter.  (And I won't lie, I do feel a bit smug about that.)

But, by either breast or bottle, moms get the job done.  And yes, while I advocate breastfeeding, I also advocate being a stay-at-home mom and, much to my sadness and disappointment, I'm not one.  So, I guess the point I'm trying to make here is that no matter our situations or hopes and desires, us well-intentioned moms are doing the best we can; steadily making do in the face of the choices we have to make.